Red Dwarf What If?
by Black Scarab
Summary: This is my What if Red Dwarf book, where I change the continuity of the famous sci-fi comedy. Welcome to Book 1!
1. The End Part 1

This is a distress signal from the Jupiter Mining Corporation Ship Red Dwarf; the crew is dead, killed by a radiation leak. Its new crew is Arnold Rimmer, who was in suspended animation at the time, David Lister, who was also in suspended animation at the time, a being that evolved from the ship's cat, Kryten a service mechanoid from the Nova 5 and Holly the ship's computer with an IQ of 6000, the same as 6000 PE teachers, also this is the Norman Lovett Holly. This takes place in an alternate universe where Rimmer returned to the bunkroom to retrieve a pencil while Lister takes out Frankenstein, when Rimmer tells Hollister and Lister reveals that he's had it since Mimas; Hollister assumes that Rimmer knew too and puts them both in the stasis booth. They are both revived after 3 million years because without Rimmer to cause the drive plate malfunction, it prematurely explodes, killing everyone instantly. I am the author; I write this and assumed that someone would question the continuity of this and the show, so here you go. Message Ends. Additional, this begins with an alternate take on The End and Future Echoes, so Kryten won't show up for a bit, and when he does he'll always be the Robert Llewellyn version.

Lister and Rimmer walk down a corridor repairing each chicken soup machine as they pass it.

"Red Dwarf, what a boring place, 'cept for Kochanski" Lister said.

"Say what you want Lister, but fixing these chicken soup machines is like holding back the Mongol hordes!" Rimmer said.

"Rimmer, you know what you are? You're a smeg-head."

"You know, it wrenches my heart from its socket to do this, but I must report you to the Captain"

Frank Todhunter walks by and Rimmer sees him.

"Todhunter! Can you give this to the Captain?"

"Rimmer, if this is another report against Lister I'm going to send a report to the Captain about you"

"But, but he called me a smeg-head!"

"Rimmer, you are a smeg-head, heheheh" Todhunter says while he walks away.

Rimmer watches Todhunter walk away and says "Smeg-headed git, that's what Todhunter is" and promptly starts to repair the next vending machine.

Back in the bunkroom, Rimmer is studying for his astronavigator's exam and Lister is sitting in his bunk and reaches for his guitar.

"Don't even think about it! I have to study!"

"Come on! You're not studying that's cheating!"

"Maybe to you, but for me this is just aiding my memory!"

"Well, at least you know you're not a fish!"

"Who told you about that?!"

"Peterson told me"

"That's a lie! He's lying!"

"No he's not, you just admitted it!"

"I did not! Whatever! I have to sleep for the exam. Lights."

The lights dim and Rimmer lies down and Lister falls asleep. The night passes by and Rimmer awakes early and leaves for his exam. Lister gets up quickly and lets out Frankenstein when Rimmer walks back in.

"Lister, did you get that on Mimas?"

"Yeah, but don't tell the Captain, please Rimmer! He'll have the science lab take apart Frankie and kill her."

"Too bad Lister, I'm going to tell the Captain!"


	2. The End Part 2

Rimmer runs to the Captain's office and does his obligatory salute and then Lister runs in and tackles him.

"Rimmer, Lister, what is it this time?" Captain Hollister said.

"Lister has a cat!" Rimmer screams as Lister pushes him down.

"He's lyin!" Lister says.

"Where did you get it? Titan?"

"No sir, Mimas"

"Don't you realize that it could be carrying a disease? Remember what happened on the Oregon with the rabbits? It could have gotten into Holly, a little nibble here and a little nibble there and we're flying backwards! Now where is it?"

"It's in the bunkroom is the storage space under the video-screen!" Rimmer screams.

Hollister pushes a button on the intercom. "Get the cat from Lister and Rimmer's bunk room." They could hear two officers from outside the Captain's Office grab a cage and start walking toward the lift.

"But sir!"

"No buts Lister, now you and Rimmer are going into Stasis until we reach Earth"

"Me? But why me? I told you about it!"

"You were harboring the cat too."

"But, my exam!"

"You would have failed it anyway smeg head!" Lister says.

Lister and Rimmer are escorted to the stasis chamber. They are put into two separate ones and the ship has a bad cadmium II leak and in the confusion, Frankenstein escapes to the storeroom and delivers her kittens. Holly seals off the unaffected areas as fast as he can and waits until he can let out Lister and Rimmer.

Three million years later…

"Computer's log Stardate, uh, today, yeah that's right. The radiation has begun to exhibit safe levels in most of the ship. I can release David Lister and Arnold Rimmer from stasis in 24 hours. I will have to keep them sane, but the holographic projector unit busted up in the blast. If we had a service mechanoid, it could have repaired it, but we don't. Also, I have to turn the ship around soon, but I have been slowing the ship down for a few centuries, so by tomorrow I should be able to execute the turn. Message Ends. Additional, there are strange life readings from the cargo storerooms; I'll check those out after I release Dave and Arn. Message Ends."

The stasis chambers start to sputter and spit. The grinding of million year old gears can be heard throughout the ship. The doors open, and out walk Lister and Rimmer.

"Hol! Where are Peterson, Selby and Chen? I told them to meet me when I get out." Lister says.

"They're dead Dave"

"Dead? What do you mean Holly?" Rimmer says.

"I mean they are dead, everyone's dead"

"What?" Rimmer says and runs off to the Drive Room.

"Even Chrissie and the Captain?"

"Yes, everyone's dead Dave, everyone is dead, dead is everyone Dave"

"Wait, are you tryin to say everyone's dead?"

"Gordon Bennett, I should have just released Rimmer"

Lister makes his way to the Drive Room to find Rimmer standing over white ash and giving it the middle finger. He stops by a seat and picks some of the ash up, licking it and then spitting it out.

"What are these ashes Hol? And why is Rimmer giving one the finger?"

"Well, the one that you licked was Catering Officer Olaf Peterson, and the one Rimmer is currently flipping off is Captain Hollister"

"What? I just ate me best mate!"

"Whatever, this is fantastic! I am now the highest ranking officer on this ship!"

"Hol, how long have we been in there?"

"Well, by my calculations, it's been about three million years"

"Three million years?!"

"Yep, also check out the storeroom, there's something down there evading my view"

"Got it Hol! Lets go Rimmer"

"Well, I hope it's an alien!"

They go down to the storeroom. They see a shadow and it jumps out at them.


	3. The End Part 3

"AHHHH!" they scream.

"AHHH!" it screams, as it is revealed to be a humanoid, very sharply dressed, with fangs.

"What are you!" Lister screams.

"I'm a cat! And what are you?" it screams.

"We're humans, I'm Lister and this is Rimmer"

"Are you an alien?" Rimmer asks.

"No, I am descended from Frankenstein, saved by Cloister the Stupid."

"Cloister the Stupid?"

"He saved The Holy Mother Frankenstein"

"It's not Cloister! It's Lister! Lister the Stupid!"

"You got that one right Listy"

"Shut up Rimmer!" Lister says as they take the Cat to their bunkroom. Lister goes into his closet and gets a bottle of milk and pours a bowl of it and puts it on the floor.

"I'm not eating off the floor!" Cat says curling his nose up.

"Fine" Lister says moving it onto the table.

"So Lister, how about that irony, Lister the ultimate atheist turns out to be god!" Rimmer says.

"If you're god, turn this into a woman" Cat says pushing the bowl of milk at him.

"Hey mates, how's it hanging, I wanted to warn you tomorrow, I'm turning the ship around" Holly said.

"Really Hol? We're going to head back to earth?"

"Yeah Dave, You and Rimmer are probably the last 2 humans alive, who knows maybe the entire planet is a garbage dump, or ruled by giant fruit flies"

"Look out Earth! The Slime's coming home!" Lister says grabbing Rimmer and Cat in a group hug.

**THE BEGINNING**…


	4. Red Dwarf Interlude Kryten

Red Dwarf has just started it's turn around, but somewhere else in the universe, just a few lightyears away, a crashed ship on an asteroid was still running, it was stuck and the engine was half-dead, but there was still life on it, and it was being cared for.

It has been god knows how long he had been trapped here, at least he was able to take care of the girls. Kryten, a service mechanoid had been working for the Nova 5's crew since before they crash-landed on the asteroid. The only thing that kept him going was keeping them happy and healthy, and his firm belief that when he was replaced he would go to Silicon Heaven. The girls questioned that it existed, but if it didn't, where would the calculators go? The girls had been looking a bit pale lately.


	5. Future Echoes Part 1

Future Echoes

"This is an SOS distress signal from the Jupiter Mining Corporation Red Dwarf. The crew is dead, killed by a radiation leak; its only crew is David Lister and Arnold Rimmer, the last humans alive and a being that evolved from Dave's cat. I am Holly the ship's computer with an IQ of 6000, the same as 6000 car park attendants. Message Ends. Additional, the most exciting thing that happened recently was that I detected an intruder on board, Rimmer thought it was aliens, Cat thought it was a woman and Lister thought it was his socks. Lister was right. That gives you an idea of how exciting life is on board Red Dwarf."

In the Drive Room Lister and Rimmer are arguing.

"Listen Lister! We can't go into stasis until after we hit the light speed barrier! There are 2 pods and three of us! And as much as I would like to leave the Cat to live without us, we can't have him breeding with something and when we wake up the ship is overrun by cockroach cats!" Rimmer says.

"Well we have to! Holly, how long until we hit the light speed barrier?"

"We have approximately 15 hours"

"Good, now I'm going to pack up my stuff, Rimmer you prepare the pods!"

"Good thinking, and Holly, you call the Cat to the stasis room"

"Got it Arn" Holly said.

Rimmer meets the Cat in the stasis room and waits for Lister to show up. But Lister has a bigger problem on his hand.

"To Ganymede and Titan, yessir, I've been around" he sings while picking up a few things that he wants put away in safe-keeping for stasis.

Suddenly Rimmer walks into the room and starts to talk to the wall next to the locker.

"Listen bucko, the Cat and I are waiting for you!"

"Rimmer, who the smeg are you talking to?"

"Well it probably is déjà vu!"

"Rimmer you're going space crazy"

"You probably are space crazy!"

"Listen Rimmer, I'm just going to be a few minutes more in here"

"Good, now let's get down to the stasis room!" Rimmer says as he walks out and starts to jog toward the lift as another Rimmer walks into the bunkroom.

"Listen bucko, the Cat and I are waiting for you!"

"Whoa, Déjà-vu, you just came in here and said that!"

"Well it probably is déjà-vu!"

"Now you're going to say that I'm space crazy!"

"You probably are space-crazy!"

"You go down; I have to ask Holly something"

"Good, now let's get down to the stasis room!" Rimmer says as he jogs toward the lift again.

"Holly, what just happened?"

"Well Dave, it was a future echo, it's a vision of the future but you can't talk to them and they can't see you"

"Wow, so that wasn't Rimmer?"

"They both were"

"Whatever, I'm going down to the drive room" Lister said as an explosion rocked the ship. "Holly what was that?"

"Something in the drive room, better check it out"


	6. Future Echoes Part 2

Lister ran down to the drive room to find Rimmer standing looking at a chair with a horrified expression on his face.

"Rimmer what happened? What was that?"

"I just saw someone die!"

"Who?"

"Brace yourself. You! I saw you die!"

"What?!"

"I told you to brace yourself"

"You didn't give me much bracing time!

"I gave you ample bracing time!"

"No you didn't, you didn't even pause"

"Well, I'm sorry. I've just had a rather nasty experience. I have just seen someone I know die in the most hideous, hideous way. You were fiddling around with the navi-com"

"I don't want to know!"

"You don't want to know how you die"

"NO! Was it quick?"

"Well, I wouldn't say it was super fast, you were thrashing around a bit"

"I don't want to know, wait, how old did I look?"

"Well how old are you now?"

"Twenty five"

"Urm, mid twenties"

"What was I wearing?"

"That shirt, that vest, that hat"

"There we go! I won't wear the hat!" Lister said stuffing the hat in his pocket.

"Lister, you can't change what's already been foretold, just like you can't change what you ate for breakfast yesterday!"

"Well, it hasn't happened has it? It hasn't have going to have happened happened. But it hasn't actually happened happened yet, actually."

"Poppycock! It will be happened; it shall be going to be happening; it will be was an event that could will have been taken place in the future. Simple as that."

"Whatever, I'm going to go check on the Cat" Lister says walking out of the drive room.

He walks down to the cargo bay to see the Cat wheeling two racks of suits toward the stasis chamber. Lister walks over and stops the Cat from wheeling them closer.

"Hey buddy! What's the big idea?"

"Listen Cat, we're only going in for three million years, you can take 2 suits"

"Hey, how about if I leave this silk handkerchief"

"Two suits and maybe a jacket, if you're good"

"You know what? I'll just stay out here while you and bonehead go into stasis!"

"But by the time we get out, you'll be dead!"

"Two suits is dead!"

"Whatever Cat, oh and one question, where did you get all these suits?"

"My people got it from the Holy Coss Toom"

"You mean the Costume store down on C-Deck?"

"What's a costume store?"

"It's a magical place where there's a whole bunch of suits"

"Oh, that must be my personal heaven!"

"Yeah Cat, anyway pick your suits and get ready" Lister says walking off toward the bunk room. On his way there he sees the Cat running away from the bunk room. He does a double take behind him as the Cat passes him.

"My tooth! My tooth!"

"Cat!" he screams, but the Cat ignores him. He continues into the bunk room and sees Rimmer standing there packing his stuff.

"Did you just see the Cat run out of here?"

"Must have been a future echo, hey have you always had that picture on your bunk?" Rimmer says pointing to a picture.

"Yeah, that's me and Frankenstein"

"No, that one"

"That's me holding two babies!"

"How do we get two babies without a woman on board?"

"I don't know, but it's going to be fun finding out!"

"Holly is that a future echo?"

"Yeah Arnold, that's a future echo"

"Hey, wait a second! The Cat broke his tooth in one, so maybe if I stop it, then I can stop my death!"

"It's worth a shot Dave"

The Cat walks in and goes toward Lister's fish-bowl with his robotic fish.

"Okay Rimmer, when the Cat grabs the fish, we tackle him!"

"Got it, and I stand over here out of danger"

"I'm gonna eat you little fishy, I'm gonna get you little fishy"

"NOW!" Lister screams tackling the Cat.

"See? I stopped it! Now I can't die!"

"My tooth! My tooth!" The Cat screams running out of the room.

"No! This is terrible!"

"What do you mean? We have a holographic projection unit! Death isn't the handicap it used to be Listy"

"Dave, we need you in the drive room, also death is a handicap. Our holo-unit is busted"

"Well, it's now or never isn't it?"

"Yes it is Lister, and if it's any consolation, before we went into stasis I had a dream of me dying. It was terrible, I was standing in the drive room and the place just blew up!"

"Wow, that's a weird dream. But whatever, time to go down there" Lister said walking out somberly with Rimmer following behind, holding a space helmet. They make their way to the drive room as Rimmer sits on the other side of the room with the helmet on under a table. Lister walks over to the navi-com.

"It's overheating, you need to sync it up with the man CPU" Holly says.

"Got it" he removes the navi-com and attaches it to the main console. Then he starts to hit the switches. "Five, four, three, two… ONE!" Lister screams flinching backwards.

Rimmer jumps up. "What happened? You were supposed to die! I saw it!

"I'm not dead! Let's get back to the bunk room!" Lister screams running out.

They enter the bunkroom and they see an old man sitting on Lister's bunk.

"Who are you old man?" Rimmer asks.

"I'm Lister, from the future, you can see me but I can't see you" he says.

"What? You're me?"

"Yes Lister and that wasn't you Rimmer saw it was your grandson Bexley"

"Bexley?"

"That's what I was going to name my second child, after Jim Bexley Speed"

"What were you going to name the first?"

"Jim, after Jim Bexley Speed"

"Wait, old man, what happens to me?"

"He can't hear you smeg-head!"

"But you can remember! What happens to me?"

"Rimmer, you wanted to know what happened to you. Come closer"

"Yes old man?"

"Closer."

"Yes?"

"You become an even bigger smeg-head!" he said disappearing.

"NO!" Rimmer screamed. "You goit, No you goit!" he said pointing at Lister.

"Whatever Rimmer, we already passed through the echoes, no point in going into stasis"

"Holly, are there any more echoes?"

"I can detect one in the medi-bay Arn"

"Well, let's go Lister!" They go to the medi bay and see another Lister, aged more closely to the current Lister holding twin babies.

"Hey Lister! Take a picture quick!" the other Lister says. "Smile boys!"

Lister takes a camera out and takes a picture of the future Lister and the babies.

"Well, where to now Rimmer?"

"Well, Holly said he detected a crashed ship pretty close to where we'll be passing in a few days. The ship is transmitting an old television show, called Androids"

"Well, let's go!"


End file.
